Category — Funny Stuff

Every time I go to the gym it seems I have some locker room issue with other patrons. I had a high school wrestling coach who demanded we all live by his rules. It’s now obvious that I have adopted many of these rules. Oh ladies, don’t sit there and turn your nose up in the air, we know you can be just as nasty as the guys. So below is my list of rules that will make every men’s locker room experience, more pleasant.

1. Don’t be a Plastic Man
I once knew a man who would never work out at the gym, but would always stop by daily to soak in the hot tub or visit the sauna. The problem was that Plastic Man always walked around the locker room completely naked and felt the need to strike up conversations with anyone who would listen. I would see him when I first got to the gym and when I got ready to leave; he would still be naked talking up a storm. Guys, if you ever meet a Plastic Man, don’t ever respond to anything he says. Once you do, he will come looking for you on a regular basis. Oh, he got the nick-name of Plastic Man because he wore a wig that he thought no one noticed. What a looser.

2. I don’t really want to talk to you
Unless I know you, please don’t try and strike up a conversation. With the exception of commenting on what’s on the locker room TV or the weather. (Also, see #1 above)

3. Clean up the sink after you shave
Your mother doesn’t live here.

4. Don’t shave in the communal shower
Although I am aware that shaving in the shower is best for you, most of us really don’t want to walk through your blood stains that drip on the floor.

5. If you have athlete’s™ feet, keep them to yourself
Wear shower shoes so you don’t spread it to the rest of us. Oh, and get to the nearest drug store and spray something on those dogs.

6. If you have to do #2 in the bathroom, give the rest of us a Mercy Flush
No elaboration needed..

To see the rest, click here [Read more →]

So yes, I have started my list. I love to read others so thought this was a great way to introduce myself.

1. I love cups (like large “Thirst Buster” Cups from 7-eleven and I collect Coffee Cups)

2. I love The Container Store (bags, briefcases or anything that assists home organization)

3. I love Any bookstore (Although I buy a large # of my books from Amazon)

4. I love old black and white pictures of family members

5. I hate discrimination of any kind

Click Here to see the rest of the list 100 Things about Ed Bacchus

Warning: This post contains language related to the wearing of undergarments. It is not meant to be rude, sexual or nasty in any way, just thought provoking and possibly funny. I normally include pictures in my posts, but thought that would be entirely inappropriate. If this may offend you in any way; too bad, keep reading. Click to read [Read more →]

If you are, you will laugh….

if not, then laugh anyway……

Dallas Skyline

Originally uploaded by cyclochip.

U R A Texan If:

1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, San Antonio, Burnet, Boerne,
Nacogdoches, Mexia, Waco, Amarillo, and Waxahachie.

2. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

3. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door,
but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.

6. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You measure distance in minutes.

8. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

13. You have known someone who has had a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

14. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

15. Your “place at the lake” has wheels under it.

16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol; a Ford F350 4×4 is.

17. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressin’.

18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

19. You actually understand this and you are “fixin’ to” send it to your friends.

20. Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:

“You wanna coke?”

“Yeah.”

“What kind?”

“Dr. Pepper!”

Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren’t distracted by the total lack of content in your writing.

Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic, 07-03-05

Sometimes you need a good laugh. Press the Play button in the center.

I want to introduce everyone to my first renter on Parenting Toys, The Reluctant Housewife.

I was very impressed with her site and she writes a diary with great humor. It’s a refreshing breath of fresh air, considering most of us write crap…..Plus she has a flickr account, a member of the “Crazy Hip Hop Mama’s” webring (I am a member also, even though I am a Dad) and watches Grey’s Anatomy. See her post about “The Glass Slippers” and you will know what I mean. So please show her some “click love” and visit her during this next week. Please click on the rent my blog icon on the right sidebar to visit her site.
Below is some of her work on flickr

I got this in an email today and thought it was hilarious

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning … uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter … with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio (that is the truth) and the DJ’d usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! Man I hated when that happening. It always mixed up my mix tapes.

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! … Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire … imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled!

You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980.

Pick a Winner!

Originally uploaded by daviderwin.

“Don’t ever get caught picking your nose in the company parking lot.”

I received this from one of my co-workers and laughed out loud for days. When she tells you the story in-person it starts out like this, I went on an afternoon canoe trip with my husband and 36 hours later……I had some pictures, but can’t find them. If she reads this, hopefully she will be kind enough to send them so I can post them.

Upper Sabine River Day Trip
“The River of Sticks”

Hi. My name is Mary and I’m married to a card carrying member of the DDRC. This is my maiden voyage story and I’m sticking to it. Names are withheld to protect the guilty.

I survived the “day” trip of over 110 portages solely for the purpose of validating “ignorance is bliss”. Over the last 3 years my husband (aka Honey Bunny) has shared his experiences of trips and fellow paddlers with me. I attended this year’s Christmas party and thought I might enjoy going on a future club trip. He received an e-mail about a “day” trip for Monday, December 26, 2005, on the Sabine River. Honey Bunny said we could borrow a canoe for two and go together down the river so I decided to give it a try thinking the weather would be nice in the 70s, Honey Bunny paddling the gondola; I’d have my parasol to block the sun and could enjoy the scenery (a little Venetian experience).

My first clue the Venetian experience was not happening was when I was given a paddle. Oh well, a little aerobic exercise would be a new experience. Next I learned a blockage across the river meant getting out of the canoe (not gondola) getting to the other side of the tree (not blockade) getting back in the canoe without falling in the River (which was ice cold). Oh well, how hard could that be? After doing the disembarking & embarking every 5 minutes or less for 2 hours, I decided walking down the river without the boat would be much easier—–but this club requires a boat for down river transportation. When in Rome…….. Lunchtime brought comfort to learn no one had been down this stretch of river and the number of portages was not the norm and we had traveled 2 miles in two hours so by my calculation the total trip was to be 6 miles @ 1 mile an hour it’s 1 o’clock with 4 miles to go….out of the river by 5:00 and home by 7:00 pm. No problem…I can do this. Well…I lost count of the ins & outs, overs & unders, balance beam mounts & dismounts and time, but it’s dark and by my calculation we should be out of the river. Hello……..I now learn about this crow flying mile versus a river mile and the 6 mile calculation of mine was if I were a crow flying from point A to point B in a straight line and no stops and no TREES. The actual river miles were not known until we reach point B. Uh oh. Light bulb is on for a moment and I realize the Survivor film crew arriving by helicopter will not be happening. The 2 kayakers were ahead of the pack and must have reached the bridge (takeout) so we continued on slowly & cautiously in the dark with one light (head lamp) down the river.

HARK, a rumbling in the leaves ashore. The light flashed on the bank only to reveal a bear cub with a long flat tail entering the water with a splash. (I was told it was a beaver, but me thinks it was a cross between a bear cub and beaver making it a bearver.) Onward and down river we go until another noise is heard from the right bank. The light flashed toward the noise and a two legged object standing over 6 feet tall covered with leaves appears……..could it be we found the loch ness monster??? Then another object appeared over 6 feet tall covered in tin foil………could it be a giant Jiffy Popcorn or a radio antenna??? No it’s the 2 kayakers………..yippee……..we must be at the bridge. Wrong…..We disembarked and had a pow wow and decided to circle the wagons, build a fire, and become one with the leaf covered earth until day break. It’s 10:30 pm now and as I lay looking at the sky……there are actually stars up there. The stars were magnificent, Honey Bunny spotted 2 shooting stars, owls were hooting, coyotes having a hen party (glad I wasn’t invited), and dueling snoring (actually there were 3 not two). Life could not get any better UNTIL I smoked my last cigarette @ 3:30 am. I estimated my traveling companions had about 2 hours left before my split personality (Sybil) emerged, then I remembered seeing someone puffing on cigars and I could bum one @ day break. Didn’t happen…no more cigars.

Back to the river and more portaging. We took a break to soak up some rays on the bank and eat some cheetos. In the river and through the woods we paddled on and then we knew we were getting very close because we starting seeing remains left by humans…….trash…….THE BRIDGE and we were there. Our final disembark @ the boat ramp. I was relieved, but sad that my 36 hour day tripping maiden voyage was over.

I would not have changed a thing……….well maybe next time pack some toothpaste, hand lotion, and definitely extra smokes.

Thanks GUYS……and especially my Honey Bunny for keeping me safe, warm and dry….….y’all are the BESTEST and we have to calculate the TOTAL number of portages in case we ever have a challenger.